JoizDotOrg

All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another. ~Anatole France

A part of me has been dying. It has been waiting for its death since god knows when, and yet I held on to it blindly, not wanting to let go, allowing it to eat away my own life.

To others, it might have been long dead, it might never even have existed. But I held it within my grasp because I thought I could fix it. That I could bring it back from what I hope was just its slumbering state. But I concede, with only one request.

Let me die along with it.

For as I watch the last embers of this illusion turn into dust, I know soon I will be reborn. And life will be beautiful once again.

Farewell love. Until we meet again.

P.S. Thank you for the wonderful two years of blogging. I have to (and is STILL in the process of doing so..) shed off some of my life’s baggages before I could write again.

I can not believe I allowed more than a month to pass without blogging. Part of it is because… Hmm… Do I really have to explain myself? Nah. Never mind. Everyone who knows me knows I’ve been avoiding confrontation. It has been a hard year for me. Seriously.

Anyhow, I can not believe it’s already May. Just got home from vacation/exile. I’ve met camels, dessert lizards, koalas and wallabies on the way. It’s amazing how much culture shock I had to go through and how I suddenly missed it as well.

Forgive me if it will come out offensive to some, but I do not like wearing an Abaya. I feel like I lose my individuality whenever I wear it. I feel suppressed and highly deprived of sunshine, ok not really. I just can’t seem to express myself with clothes. All the women looked alike to me. Like ghosts in black floating on the sidewalks (parang mga black lady kamo). But I know it’s like a puny shield from the stares of horny-horny-haven’t-seen-a-woman’s-flesh-since-childhood men. Believe me. It can be degrading sometimes how some men there would look at you. Like an object. Just something that can be possessed. Whatever.

And then there’s down under. For the short time I was there, only two words can sum up my experience: topless beach.

Single. Ah yes, that word some people love to hate, and some others hate to love… Do you wanna be single? Are you single? Are you happy?

Some of my friends don’t seem to like being single at all. Some despise the idea of being single especially around February and remain entangled in relationships that never seem to help them grow as an individual and in fact continues to drag them down in the long run. Some jump from one relationship to the other (ouch?), bringing along baggages that affect the present, never giving themselves enough time to heal.

Personally? I don’t wanna be single for long. It’ll be hypocritical to say otherwise. I want to be held close in someone’s arms and feel loved, as in really loved, and to love in return. I want to take care of someone, be his one and only, and claim him as mine and mine alone. It sounds like I am in love with falling in love right? Whatever. But alas I have no one but myself. It’s been months since I’ve been held even if it seems like it was shrouded with superficial feelings. And it’s been years since I felt really loved.

It’s pretty obvious that I have been neglecting my blog again, not just that but work and everything else in my life! Gad. What have I been up to anyway? Simple, I was trying to forget and got sucked into a certain app in Facebook.

But I’m back for real and I hope my clients aren’t pissed at me, I’m really sorry, yes I have piles of work to do and I solemnly swear I’d finish them this week (woot motivated!).

Anyhow, I was working on a list of things I want to attain/achieve/accomplish/whatever for this week/month/year, and one of them was to post an entry already! *sigh* so here it is already. heh

Although it is futile to find a fix to my brain damage, I really would like to fix my life and I know I have my old friends and my new found friends to help, *loads gun* right guys?

Ah another year has gone, and finally I have a post. A long over-due one. I noticed my blog is rotting and infested with flies but what the hey, I was too preoccupied with my loneliness and wallowing, and when I’m in a good mood, I was busy taking advantage of the alone-time and catching up on the tv-series and movies (in DVD) I haven’t watched. And of course my laziness kicks in that I couldn’t bring myself to write something.

Anyhow, I am back and let’s see… I didn’t want to enumerate the best points of this blog for the year 2007, nor do I want to make a summary of posts for the whole year. I thought I’d thank the online people who made 2007 special and memorable but the list is uber long and I’d most likely forget several people. It’ll be like in the Academy night and I’m saying my message after receiving the award, only I don’t know what I’ve won and I’m probably holding a Barrel Man instead of Oscar. But I still want to say thank you to all of you guys, who constantly visit my blog to see what madness and mayhem I’ve been up to. Thank you for those who have crossed my path last year and has made a mark in my life. Whether it was a hickey or a whip slash, I don’t care! I am grateful for newly found friends and if I ever gained enemies last year, sana kunin na kayo para wala na akong kaaway, nyahaha… Seriously, thank you to each and everyone for making 2007 colorful.