I haven’t had decent sleep for the last 52 hours. I am cranky, quick tempered, obnoxious in some ways, depressed and just a few nicks away from being suicidal…
This is no computer I’m typing on.
It is a still pond, having been reflected upon.
It rains outside, cold and silently,
and inside me someone wants to drown.
I really have no plans of killing myself. I don’t overdose, not slit skins nor jump buildings. I am already physically numb that I think anything I do to my body would do nothing to get my mind off the pain inside. I am bitter. Bitter like the coffee I have just gulped (I forgot to put sugar again). My eyes have gone dry and there doesn’t seem to be a reason to cry. Should I cry for you? If I cry, my tears may be just dust.
I haven’t sleep because of work, it has been my excuse for not looking for you, for not bothering you, but I think of you and you’ve never left my mind. And that is what I fear. I fear that you are just a dream and so I avoid sleep for I don’t want this dream to end. But what I fear most is that if I sleep… I may never wake up again.
I am confused like hell today.
What’s so confusing about that? You can’t break your heart if you’re not in love. But you could be in love and not heartbroken… that means you’re content. If you are feeling confused, in love and heart broken, then may be you aren’t content?
I knew that was coming, and to answer that, I am longing to be content. I am in love and a bit heart broken. I want to find contentment also.
People say it’s only natural
Being hurt, being the fool again
And that I’d be free and loved
But tell me when, tell me whenHow do I go on, pretend nothing’s changed
when I’m already dying inside
you left a scar in my heart, you killed my soul,
you’ve burned a mark on my mind
I’m tired beyond relief. I hate my job (well not all of it, just the parts where I’m assigned to stuff my title doesn’t cover). I miss my baby sooo bad I’m actually rethinking about continuing my day job. The only problem is I worry that I might not make enough by working at home.
So people ask don’t you have a boyfriend? I do and as much as I want to keep things private about me and David, people still ask. We don’t live together, a few knows about that. He’s not a bad guy, I know he’s trying to be a good father and boyfriend but his attitude and his family’s attitude always seems to be the problem. He hasn’t told anyone other than his father and brother and I am actually starting to hate the fact that his dad and brother don’t seem to care about us. Don’t they even ask about me and Fiona? Don’t they care that David actually has his own family now? They never showed up to see the baby when I gave birth, and I have no plans of inviting them to Fiona’s baptism. My baby’s christening is happening next month and where are they? Don’t they plan to help out? I’ve tried to keep things secret from my parents but it makes my mom angry at me. My baby’s needs are growing and everything else seems to be dying.
It’s 2 am already and I have been crying for the past two hours.. I’ve had enough of this crap we call life. I no longer know where it is heading and I don’t know if I’m strong enough to go on.
Well I’m not feeling myself today
Just a figure in a big monopoly game
Struggle is the price you pay
You get just enough just to give it away
I’m sinking more than floating away
Just throw me a line so I can ache in my pain
The fabric is about to fray…
