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I have been trying to hold on for the last 10 hours.

I never asked for anything this Christmas save for me to find peace of mind. Why did it have to happen now? Is this my Christmas gift? Did I deserve this? Did I fucking deserve all this shit? What did I ever do to you to put me so far up and then drop me like a bomb? Why didn’t you just let them just shoot me in the head before trying to violate me, at least I won’t be screaming and fighting. At least I won’t have the memory of their fuck ugly faces etched in my brain before they got caught.

And you, the last thing I needed was to be shot down by you. I know you’re already miserable but I never wanted us to be miserable. I needed you. I was calling for you but you’re not there. And I can’t blame you for not wanting me now. I don’t know if I could ever look at myself in the mirror. But why bury me deeper in the shit I have been trying to get out of?

Are you feeling it yet? The Christmas spirit, I mean? I bet you do.

It’s only a week before Christmas day and I’m guessing you’re experienced/done:

1. going over your half-finished Christmas list and panicking that you haven’t even started wrapping yet
2. decorating your house, your room, your usual classroom seat, your office desk, your boyfriend’s room, your cellphone, mp3 player, your web site, your outfit, your whatever with Christmas decorations
3. sending out your Christmas snail mail greeting cards to relatives, e-cards and holiday pokes to online buddies, and what-have-yous
4. feeling warm and fuzzy whenever you play a Christmas carol on your ipod and a bit irritated and murderous with the undying jingles played in the mall
5. filling up your schedule with line ups of barkada get-together nights, family reunions, Christmas parties for work, for school, with orgmates, with the neighbors, with college friends, with high school friends, with elementary friends, with preschool friends, with your best friend’s wife and the lady elf from the mall

This is the edited, cleaned, clipped, all-the-drama-in-the-world-removed version of this post. It was just too personal to keep the thoughts published. Maybe next time when my brain gets fried up again or something.

The video below leaves an ache here in the heart, especially tonight, more than ever. So yeah, I’m basically drowning myself in emoshit 2 days before my birthday.

But really, you’ll love this video. The song’s Korean but the message’s universal. *sigh* Also added a translation at the very bottom if you want to know the meaning of the song.

Because I’m a Girl

Dodeche ar suga obso namjadurui maum
wonhar ten onjego da juni ije tonande
ironjog choumirago nonun thugbyorhadanun
gu marur midosso negen hengbogiosso

marur haji guresso nega shirhojyoda go
nunchiga obnun nan nur bochegiman hesso
norur yoghamyonsodo manhi guriurgoya
sarangi jonbuin nanun yojainika

modungor swibge da jumyon gumbang shirhjungnenunge
namjara durosso thollin mar gathjin anha
dashinun sogji anhuri maum mogo bojiman
todashi sarange munojinunge yoja ya

marur haji guresso nega shirhojyodago
nunchiga obnun nan nur boche giman hesso
norur yoghamyonsodo manhi guriurgoya
sarangi jonbuin nanun yojainika

When everyone needed me, I was there. To help with a code, to listen to a troubled soul, to lend money, to help clean up a mess… But if I need someone, what happens to me?

Bitter. Cheerful. Bitter. Pause. I have been living my life on auto-pilot.

Sometimes I confuse even myself and sometimes I no longer want to think about what I truly feel and just pretend I’m all peachy and happy. But pretending to be cheerful even on my blog defeats the purpose of having a personal blog. So now, I open up again and guess what? This dawn, I cried. Really really cried.

Nang magpaulan si lord ng kagandahan, nakakuha ako.
Nang namigay sya ng katalinuhan at kabaitan, nakahingi ako.
Nang magpaulan sya ng talento, namakyaw ako.
Eh nung nagpaulan sya ng matinong love life, pucha nakatulog ako!

A number of my friends have noticed a physical change in me, they say “gumaganda ka” (you’re getting prettier), “you’re sexier than before” and to all I just laugh (mga bolera! haha). I haven’t changed at all. I’m still the fat fugly bitch who left the corporate world a year ago. But they still insist I changed and they’ve been asking me what’s my secret. “Are you in love?”