He died. Last Thursday. I only knew last night.

I was hoping it was a joke. A big damn joke. Not a funny one but I was hoping it was just a trick to fool everyone. Sort of like how Vince McMahon faked his death in that car explosion. But something tells me this isn’t a joke. We’re not on TV wrestling in the first place.

I was shocked. I was disheartened. I cried.

I could not bring myself to ask anyone why. But I really want to know why.. Why? WHY?

A lot of people love you. She loves you, did you not see that? Did you not feel that?

Heck I don’t know what problems may have burdened you to think of this but you should not have killed yourself over it! Circumstances can be fixed, trials can be overcome without quitting in the middle of the fight. Your friends and family had always been there, what would have been the difference in this case? They would have been there if you only reached out.

Now what happens? Did you not think that now you’re gone, there is no hope at all of you and her being together? Did you not think that by killing yourself, you killed her aswell? Not only her, your family? Your brother, your mom, dad and twin brother? What about your friends who always had faith in you?

I understand not being informed at all and only finding out through measly bulletin posts. I’m not as close to you as you are to my ex, he was your friend, not me. But I’ve met you, I’ve known you, I’ve looked up to you. I have always admired you as a person and I admire you still but why did you have to do this? It just feels so wrong! Wrong! Wrong!

God knows how much I grieve now. And if I’m feeling this right now, I who doesn’t know you like they do, how about their grief, how much more her pain?

I saw her leave you a note how much she loves you on that day you decided to go, were you able to read it? Oh god, I know what she might be feeling when she found out you left.

Did you not realize other people are hurting more than you did? Did you not know that others are going through more sufferings than you did but still manages to go on? That amidst all the rocky trails and dead ends, there is always a way?

Why am I even giving you a sermon when it’s already too late? It’s just damn too late. I know you saw why you had to do it, I just wish you knew why you shouldn’t have done it.

It’s a shame I never got to know who you were up close and personal, I know you would have been great company. It’s a shame to see you go like this, someone who was so strong, someone who was a mix of fun and complexity, someone who had a very contagious smile, someone who was so full of life.

I hope wherever you are right now, you’re at peace. I hope now, you’re watching over us as you have always done.

You may have stopped playing your bass physically.. but man, your music will live on. Rock on brother. Rock on.

I’ll miss you Chili. We all will.